Message 04. Vital Information for Your Everyday Life

[unrecovered]

[Wash is in full armor, helmet on. There's a reason for this; nobody needs to see that he hasn't really slept for about 72 hours. Those who have a bit more experience reading his body language can probably tell from the set of his shoulders and the incline of his helmet that he is Not Very Happy. Of course, then he opens his mouth and removes all doubt.]

This is just to let everyone know that there are no Nightmares in the Traverse Town hotel. Because they don't come inside. Ever. Anyone who says otherwise is paranoid. Or an idiot. Or both.

Probably both.

Comments

[unrecovered]

[Yeah, that's his brain sputtering and dying, right there.]

Why would she be into me?

[She's poised and competent and really good with a gun and funny and smart, and he's...pretty messed up, actually. She's way too good for that.]

[And it's starting to sound like maybe he's into her as well.]

[...oh. Oh fuck now what is he supposed to do?]

[allfunandgamesuntil]

Because you're nice, you can be funny, you care deeply about other people, you keep a cool head in tough situations and know what you're doing, you are occasionally a huge dork and girls are into that...

[Seriously, Wash, you're pretty awesome, despite the messed up.]

You didn't notice, I guess.

[unrecovered]

[There's a long span of time before he replies. When the video turns on again, Wash has already made it back to the room and pulled his helmet off, silently rubbing his temples with his hands over his face. He's been thinking about it all the way back, and he just can't make it work. York said he's all these good things, and he just can't see it in himself, not past everything in him that's sharp and twisted and broken. Either it's an eye of the beholder thing or York is living in the past.]

[When he speaks, his words are muffled.]

I think you're still thinking of the old me. Before...you know.

[Before Epsilon hangs heavily in the air, but he doesn't want to say it.]

[allfunandgamesuntil]

[York hesitates for a long moment.]

Wash, I don't know exactly what happened to you, and I don't know what it is you're carrying guilt over, but I've been with the current you for a while now. I'm not going to say that you're not dealing with a lot of heavy stuff, or that you haven't changed. But you are nice and funny and smart and good in a fight and dorky. And I can see why Ziva's into you.

[unrecovered]

[He hunches his shoulders as York speaks, pulling in on himself like it's painful to hear, and maybe it is. Hearing York's faith in him makes him hope, and for Wash, hoping hurts. He can't hope without anticipating how badly it's going to hurt when whatever he's hoping for fails, and for him failure is just about inevitable. He wants to hope, wants to try, wants this so badly he can taste it, but...]

I don't want to fuck it up.

[Whether he's talking about his friendship with Ziva or his precarious state of mind is debatable.]

[allfunandgamesuntil]

Believe me, I get that. But it starts with trust. In yourself and other people.

[He really, really understands the fear of fucking something like this up.]

[unrecovered]

[He goes silent again for a few more long moments, thinking, trying to process that.]

I trust her.

[And it's true - he trusts her to have his back in battle and not put bullets into it. He trusts her to keep the bits and pieces of his secrets that she's already heard or figured out and not to broadcast his weaknesses to anyone who could be an enemy. For Wash, that kind of trust is hard to come by and something of a big deal when he does extend it to somebody.]

[What he doesn't say is that he doesn't trust himself not to falter or fail or mess this up in one of hundreds of possible ways. He's the unsteady link in this potential relationship and he knows it.]

[allfunandgamesuntil]

[York hears it anyway; a lot of times it is easier to trust other people than it is to trust yourself, especially when your brain has failed you once already.]

So think about it and go from there.

[unrecovered]

I-

[-don't have a good track record with this was what he was going to say, but he bites those words back. That was a very long time ago, and York already knows that; it's hard to miss the end result of a relationship when you former romantic partner up and betrays your entire team. He can't stay stuck in those memories forever; instead, he tries something else.]

I can do that.

[Whether he will is a different story entirely. He knows the option is open to him, but he also knows how much he stands to lose if it goes south and that scares him more than he'd like to admit.]

[allfunandgamesuntil]

Great. You might like the results.

[If he can let go of his concerns about screwing it up. Which, given York's track record - note to self, share all relevant information in a coherent way, if you want to communicate - York can completely understand.]

[unrecovered]

Maybe.

[Or it might be another complete disaster with ramifications Wash isn't sure he can entirely withstand. He's never going to stop being afraid of fucking it up; not until the day he actually succeeds, and he doesn't expect that day to come for...ever, really. At all.

[allfunandgamesuntil]

I didn't mean to hit you upside the head with that, sorry.